Type of work: Chapters of In Joy and Sorrow
Genre: Romance, fan fiction
Title: In Joy and Sorrow: Chapter Seven, Such a burden
Author: dreamsinfiction
Fandom: Ville Valo of -H-I-M-
Rating: R
Warning: swearing, sexual tension, kissing
Summary: Kat reveals her fear's roots...
Disclaimer: There's a reason it's fiction, my dears. ;-)

Links to previous chapters




After dinner, with a good two beers in her, Kat decided it would be best to get the return trip on the ferry over and done with as quickly as possible. She probably smoked most of Ville's cigarettes by the time they walked the short distance to the ferries.

"I can't do this," she declared, turning away from the port.

Ville's hand closed over hers, "Sweetheart, everything will be fine. It's the only way for us to get back to the hotel. I'll be with you the entire time. No worries."

Kat shook her head, "I can't, Ville. I just can't."

"Of course you can," he kissed her cheek softly. "Together."

Her eyes stared into his for a few moments. Her bottom lip trembled slightly. Her fingers wiggled, wanting to be free of his hand. But neither did his gaze waver nor his hand loosen.

With a deep sigh, her eyes dropped to the ground and she nodded.

Slowly Ville lead her up the ramp and onto the boat. Her hand tightened on his more with every step. It took more convincing to get her to step from the ramp to the boat. By that time Kat squeezed her eyes close, needing Ville to act as her guide completely. When he wiggled his fingers out of hers, she instantly went into a panic and her eyes flew open. Looking wildly about, she realized the ferry was already in motion and she had no chance of escape.

And then his arms wrapped around her from behind. With a shallow, raspy breath, Kat closed her eyes again.

"Talk to me. Tell me anything," she requested. "Just let me hear you."

There was a pregnant pause, the sounds of the ferry folding her ears for a few moments. And then he began to speak. Within a few words, Kat started to relax... and she didn't even know what he was saying, for he was speaking Finnish. Perhaps that's why she relaxed, because her ears were trying to pick out words she knew while the rest of her was trying to decipher the feeling without knowing the meaning of the words.

For the entire ferry ride, he spoke to her softly. When the ferry sidled up to the dock, he kissed her neck softly.

"Kat, we're here," he stated.

Those words were hard to process after listening to Ville speak his language consistently for so long. She almost didn't want to leave where she was. Almost.

She pulled out of his arms quickly, hurrying to get off of the boat. Kat didn't even bother being polite and pushed her way around the crowd. Some glared at her, but surprisingly most saw the look of terror on her face and let her through. Once off the boat, she collapsed onto a bench and put her head between her legs. She had to force deep breaths pass her lips in an effort to stop her head from spinning.

She felt him before he spoke. Her eyes rose from the ground, looking into his.

"Shall we return to the hotel, darling? Or do you want to walk around some more?" Ville asked, offering his hand.

"I think. I think maybe a walk is what I need," she declared, letting him pull her to her feet. "Or a strong drink."

He chuckled, "Both can be arranged, certainly."

For a few blocks, they walked silently. But Kat didn't care. She was still trying to push away her phobia of boats. And it was taking all of her concentration to push those thoughts from her mind. No matter what she tried to think about, the terror lingered in her mind.

Finally she stopped, paying no mind to where they were and headed to a bench. She sat on the wet bench and pulled her knees to her chest, rocking slightly back and forth. She knew Ville was looking at her, watching her with those green eyes of his. Perhaps that's why she felt alright falling apart in front of him, she felt safe.

Kat's eyes raised to his briefly, inviting him to sit next to her.

After he did, she started very softly, "My mother was on a business trip. She and some colleagues went out one night on some scenic boat ride. As always, she called me at 8 o'clock, as I refused to go to bed without talking to her when she was on business trips. Anyways... something went wrong on the boat. I was never really told what. All.... all I heard was shouting in the background. She remained calm and asked to speak to my dad quickly. I let her and waited to be handed the phone back. He talked to her for maybe a minute. I can still remember the look on his face. He more or less dropped the phone, rather than hand it to me.... I talked with my mom for the final few minutes of her life. By then I knew what was happening, the boat was sinking. They were trying to get all the passengers off. But.... for some reason there weren't enough lifejackets or any lifeboats on board. There was an explosion of some sort. I heard it. The last thing my mom said was 'Honey, I'll always love and take care of you. Be strong. Be you. I love you, Katerina.'"

Tears were readily streaming down her face, she made no moves to hide them.

"My mother's body was found six miles downstream two weeks later. My father was too distraught to attempt to id her. He wouldn't even get on the plane to fly there. But I did. Alone. So thirteen year old me went into the morgue with two policemen and one of the lawyers from the boat company. I didn't even speak their language, Cantonese I think. And they barely spoke enough English to really console me," she continued in a near whisper. "She was so...bloated. I barely recognized her. But she... she was wearing the locket I had given her on Mother's Day. That was all I needed to know it was her."

Kat reached into the borrowed shirt and pulled out a heart-shaped locket. The etching on the gold had worn down, from many years of wear, making the patterns nearly indiscernable. Rubbing her thumb over it for a moment, she smiled through her tears and tucked it back away. At this she reached up and wiped her wet face, not that it made much difference as it was once again raining.

"Whenever I'm on a boat... of any kind, I hear the background screams, I picture my mother trying to remain calm while talking to me, knowing her chances of survival are slim," her eyes met Ville's. "I thought maybe I was enough removed from it that today would be all right. But... I was wrong."

Ville's arm slipped around Kat, pulling her close to him. Words weren't needed for the time being as he held her, letting her sob for as long as she needed. Slowly the tears stopped flowing, her hiccups disappearing. His lips touched her temple before she started to pull away from him.

"Such a burden for an angel to carry," he brushed hair from her eyes.